Skills you already have to care for your own dead

The One Washcloth Project helps families recognize that small things - like bathing a loved ones hands after death - can be done simply and have great meaning

by Keelia Carver

​One of the things I like best when talking to people about caring for their own dead is discussing what you are actually paying for when you hire a funeral home’s services.

Because it can be hard to understand what you are actually paying for when you hire a funeral director (it certainly was for me!), it can help to break the list of tasks down and think about specific skills that you probably already have. It makes it possible to say “I choose to do this task.” Or “I don’t want to do this task, I’d rather hire it out.” Similar to when you hire a hair dresser, or tax preparer.

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When I do presentations in person I invite people to raise their hands for tasks they know how to do. I then invite them to think about any items they can’t do and if they have a friend or family member who has the expertise or equipment to help with that task. As you read this post I invite you to do the same.

​Skills you might already have in caring for bodies

• Have you changed diapers? Perhaps a baby’s? Maybe you have helped with toileting tasks for someone bigger/older than a baby? Are you very comfortable with this or a bit squeamish?
• Have you helped someone bathe and dress? Perhaps a child, or a parent? Perhaps a friend or sibling? Can you operate zippers and buttons? Can you tell the difference between a shirt and pants?
• Can you do hair and makeup? Have you helped someone get ready for prom? Or a recital? Or presentation where they wanted to look their best?
• Do you know how to shave? Have you shaved your own face, or legs? Do you know how to use a safety razor?
• Read more about caring for a body after death without a funeral director.

 
Skills you might already have for transporting bodies

• Can you drive a minivan, SUV or pickup truck? Do you already own a bigger vehicle or have a friend who does?
• Can you lift heavy things? Or do you have several friends or family members that can work together to lift something big and heavy? Do you have the skills to figure out how to slide, use ramps, or carts to move a casket or body?
• Read more about transporting a body after death without a funeral director.

 
Skills you might already have for dealing with authorities

• Have you filled out government paperwork at some point? Maybe something like filing taxes or filling out DMV forms? Perhaps applying for Social Security, Medicare, building permits or loans?
• Have you had to be polite and persistent on the phone? Have you ever needed to advocate for yourself, children or other family members? Perhaps you have made a medical appointment, discussed difficulties with a school, opened a bank account?
• Read more about filing a death notice and death certificate without a funeral director.

 
Skills you might already have to create ceremony

• Have you ever planned a party or event? Something where you needed people to show up in a certain place at a certain time? Perhaps a birthday party or baby shower? Perhaps an awards ceremony, performance or fundraiser?   
• Do you have carpentry, sewing skills or other art skills? Do you want to create your own personal casket or shroud? Perhaps you would like to decorate one that you obtained commercially to make it more personal for your loved one.
• Read more about creating ceremony without a funeral director.

 
These are the skills that we are hiring out when we engage the services of a funeral director.

​Each person is different in their talents, skills and values. I invite you to take a moment to think about what you would like to do yourself, and what you might like to ask family or friends to help you with. I hope that with thought and intention you can create something that feels right for honoring your loved one. Taking on some or all of these tasks is often called a “home funeral” – but it doesn’t have to happen at home.
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Please use our Contact Form to let us know about other skills that you think this list is missing!
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Read more about our family’s story, and how further education about the rights denied our family resulted in changes to a regional hospital’s family information sheet and body release policy.